never in my adult life have i lost someone i love,
someone so close to me,
someone my age.
until now.
it’s such a strange and terrible feeling,
a nagging sorrow that follows like a shadow.
the physical pain is wearing.
that lump in my throat,
the unsettling feeling in my stomach,
the sharp stab at my heart
every time i hear your name or see your face in my head.
and my mind is weary too.
at times, the grief haunts me
in the darkness, in my solitude
when all i have to hold are the memories of you, of us.
other times i forget, for a little while,
and i’m sucked into the routine of the day,
the people around me,
and my spirits lift without me even realizing it.
until suddenly, i remember.
and i feel guilty
for feeling normal,
for continuing to live
as if you aren’t missing from my world.
guilty for wishing i could forget about you more often.
and then guilty for feeling guilty,
because i know that isn’t what you would want.
most of the time, though, i just feel empty.
a low, monotonous nothing inside.
the life feels gone from me
as it is from you.
and the words taste bitter on my tongue –
you are gone.
and you will be, for as long as i am on this earth.
it is this thought,
this idea that i can’t fathom,
that kills me.