the days are short and the darkness long. there is chaos, busyness, preparation for what is to come, but somehow i feel a stillness in the anticipation too, an anxious quietness, like i’m holding my breath. waiting.
change is everywhere. in the knobby trees as the wind strips them of their last crunchy leaves, in the restlessness that we feel as christmas approaches, in the thoughts of the coming new year and what it will bring each of us. the weather here has been inconsistent – sunny and beautiful, then a slippery frozen tundra, cool at night and balmy in the day, then today: warm and windy and a somber gray.
i’ve been distracted with life happenings, big and small, and so the holidays have arrived hastily. i’m drowning in to-do lists but can’t seem to feel a sense of urgency. a part of me wants to take a step back from it all, but the other part of me needs to get in the spirit more than i am, to enjoy this time, because it will be gone as quickly as it came.
i am nostalgic and reflective, as i always am at this time of year, but i feel it stronger now than ever. it’s been a good year, but a tough one. it’s been a year for realizing that the carefree days of childhood are far away, and the hardships of adulthood are real and pressing. of grandparents aging, sickness and worry, death and love and hurt and heartbreak, of family responsibilities and personal responsibilities. there was no sugar-coating on this year, nor any warnings about the challenges that i would face or the bruises that would remain.
sometimes i know myself, and some days i’m not sure. i want to take control of my destiny, live my dreams, and determine what i will become. i get fatigued from being a bystander in the world i live in. i want to make things happen, not watch them happen. and sometimes, i do. and it is glorious or educational or a total failure, or all of the above. was it worth it? i believe so. in the end, i’ve tried, which is what matters. and in the end, it’s God’s world and His decisions and His plan, and that’s what prevails.
the sky was alive today on my drive home from work.
this afternoon, i saw a quote that spoke to me: “the more i look, the better i see.” life is a journey, and a very long road – if you’re lucky. sometimes blessings must be counted deliberately in order to get by. my mom taught me that. but we have many, and if you look for signs from the Lord that all is right in the world, you will always find them.